$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Randomize
