I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
