Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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