Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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