I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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