I will die if light touches me.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
