you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize