it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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