He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
