You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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