i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
