I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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