Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
