if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
