1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
