Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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