Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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