i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
