I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
