Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
