If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
