i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
