That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
