i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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