Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
