I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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