It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
