the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
