Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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