Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
