Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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