I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
