I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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