Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
