He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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