omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize