Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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