Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize