i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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