So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
