Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
