We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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