Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
