Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
