I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
