i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
