I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
