she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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