Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This is my gift to your gina
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
