Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
