I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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