Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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