I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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