if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
