can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize